Ah ok. So I wrote a few poems last night/this morning. We also had a discussion in advisory about the positive and negative effects of social media. It was weird. Anyways my poems are pretty s**tty so I'm probably not gonna share them. I don't know. It's weird. I'm in class right now so I'll try to keep it light right now. I'm still struggling to ask people to call me Fin. I just get to anxious and I can't do it whenever I think about it. I don't know. It wouldn't really change anything as far as who I'm friends with and sleepovers and all that jazz but like I feel like my mom would make a really big deal out of it and I'd just go back into the closet. I don't know about teachers. Maybe if I came back into 8th grade and asked to be called Fin then it would work out. Sometimes I feel like I'll just stay Zoe for the rest of my life because I can't build up the courage to be called anything else. Anyway, today was group picture day and so far I've been called down like 4 times. We're going to work on poetry today and I'm sorta pissed cause we're working on structured poems and Streit's not here so I don't really have much freedom as to what I can actually do. Also I couldn't find the bra that I'm really comfortable in and it hurts and I think it's what's causing my chest to be really uncomfortable and it's what's making it hard for me to breath. Maybe I'll call my mom over lunch and see if she can bring me a t-shirt and a normal black sweatshirt cause I'm getting pretty uncomfortable right now and it's getting hot and I've had many anxiety attacks today and I'm freaking out now and I don't think anyone notices. It hurts. I just want to breathe and be able to wear the right bra and not have this sinking feeling in my chest. Everything is jumbled. Why does my face feel red? Why are my hands typing faster and faster. Everything is confusing me and I can't focus my eyes on anything. It feels like the world is sort of spinning. I think I'll go try to write some haikus . Sorry. Bye.
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I think one of my main anger causing topics is ADHD cause I've always felt comfortable with having it it's just hard cause the kids are getting more judgmental and now it's getting hard to be myself and not be self conscious about it cause I'm getting asked what's wrong with me like Im a psycho daily. And it's just hard sometimes cause I can't stop myself and the people just keep in asking and pushing my boundaries and poking at me and it hurts a lot sometimes cause when you're told to get help daily based on your outward actions and the tiny glimpse people see of you. It's hard when there are people everywhere who see it as an emotion and don't understand it or even try to understand what it feels like to be the person who kills hamsters in their free time and how it feels to literally be told by the same people day after day that they're getting sick of you and they liked you at first but it's sorta getting tiring because they've had enough of the giggling maniac. It's not that I just want **** to stop telling me to fix myself. I want **** to stop staring at me weirdly. I want **** to stop saying it sounds like I'm killing hamsters every time I laugh. I want **** to stop laughing at my over sharing instead of stopping me in the first place. I want **** to stop going along with it all and to stop asking me what labels I identify with. I want people to stop using my triggers as jokes and the things I care most about as invalidity.
I noticed you
please don't try to tell me I don't unnoticed that you wore a new shirt I saw that slight change in your winged eyebrows I saw that you had gotten highlights in your hair you have beautiful brown eyes and an angelic face your personality is beyond compare you always are thinking about others you are most definitely not self absorbed, please stop saying that you are selfish I would compliment your new clothes I would show you that the word beauty was a shoe made for you so don't try and tell me that you aren't nice, if helpful, or beautiful or that you're self absorbed, or egocentric, or are vain, cause you're not. Now go show off your new hair. I'm feeling happy with myself for once! And I have no idea how I got this way. I'm cool with it though, snoop dogg may have had something to do with It, I'm not sure. It most likely does, as it was listening to snoop dogg that I realized that I'm pretty happy right now. This is rare you see, it's a non high happiness spell and I can't seem to leave. Not that I want to, this is ducking awesome! Whoah ducks! Duck tales is a tv show. I didn't know that. Really? Oh wait you sing the theme song all the time. Oh yeah that's true. But just saying I didn't even know that until I heard it somewhere else. Oh really? Yeah don't you remember this happening? Not really Oh wait there it is I remember it. Yeah that was sorta eye opening. And weird. Is this always what happens when you feel happy? You know I'm not really sure. I downloaded a mini piano thing on my dads computer cause he got the new mac book pro as jos old one was broken for like 2 years he was just waiting for a new one to come out. Also we have a family member that works for apple so they get us discounts. It's really nice. Whoah when I'm happy I write a lot quickly. This is sorta new though. I'm no usually like this and well I actually pretend to be this way a lot around others but it's cooool. I don't want to think. My current mood.
Since I need more entries in gonna post some of my poetry here, some might go into my poetry book for school though. Why am I locked outI got to the door of the room and I saw that I was locked out. I saw you turning the key. I thought you were going to let me in this time. I guess not everything works out how we thought it was going to. I promise I'll be nice, I don't judge, though your body language makes it easy to pick your locks.
Can someone pelease just try to learn to read me? I'm not ok. I want your help and I dont know how to take it. I tell people things and ask for honest opinions. I never get any. Or at least I never get any that show that they've read all of my texts. It's hard you know? Not knowing what you want yet knowing that people won't understand it in any way that you try to tell them. You won't understand what I'm trying to say, it's really hard to talk here seriously in the first place. But that's cool, I'll deal. I always have . Don't know how to move on if I don't deal with it first.
So growing up I dealt with everything on my own.
Sad? On my own Hurt? On my own Scared? On my own Or at least that has just always been my way of dealing with things. So it's getting harder as I'm so new to the idea of just letting someone help me. I don't know how to listen to them properly. I can't figure it out and all the people trying to help me confuses me as I'm not used to it. I don't want to be helped but I do. In other words, I don't know how people could help me and actually be helping at this point. I've just dealt with the anxiety that comes with being me around others. I'm scared of myself and others sometimes. I'm not even sure about my gender. I don't know who I want to be and who I am. Come to think of it I've never really felt that my name is even Zoe. And sometimes I feel that my problems aren't real cause they're not that bad. I don't want to trouble anyone so I'll just keep on trying to...I don't even know what my goal in life is anymore. I don't understand why we all live. It makes no sense. We go to school. Some don't. And then we work. And we eat. And we all are always doing things. It makes no sense. We are all gonna die and that just scares me the most. Why are we all doing things if it all leads to death. It's just like a game, you can play for awhile but it always ends. Well fuck there goes the I'm not gonna think about it resolve. There really is something that I know that I'll never talk about on here and I wish I was ready too but every time I text the words they just get deleted and stored into the sub level of the second layer of the pentagon. Chapstick is the word that we chose as a cry for help. Oh there are so many times that I know that I would have almost sent it if we had had it earlier. It's scary, I don't want to share my thoughts with people but I always find myself seeking the opinions of others. Its hard when you ask for true opinions and you only get proof that someone didn't read anything you wrote. It's harder when you point people out and it's the hardest thing for you to do. And it's harder when they misunderstand your sarcasm. I wish that someone knew all of my spaces as well as I can find there's. I guess I'm just good at interpreting body language and tone of voice. Like I just wish that there would be someone who could completely understand all my body language and how I react to certain things and I just want someone to learn how to pay attention. It's one thing to listen, it's another thing to find he real message. I'm not used to all of this. I don't even know who I am and how I learned to read people. And every time someone corrects me I try to find out if they're just like me but I only end up ruining friendships.
whooooo. I'm not sure if Ima be emo Zoe right now...maybe. Anyway, I have to journal a lot this break and I have like 15 more entries to write. I'll try tonbe funny but I don't know if I can. Just to busy self deprecating. Whooo. No mostly what I've been doing recently is listening and taking my moms shit as she acts like a 6 y/o even though she told me that she'll start trying to pay attention to the fact that I get "anxious sometimes", giving advice on helping a person who is suicidal, still taking my moms shit as she didn't only make a scene once, but twice and made me cry, not getting presents from my dad. Like he apparently ordered me silicone juggling balls in the mail and I understand that they're expensive but my brother got an expensive computer and my sister gets cash every other day. Can I at least expect something once in a while? Like maybe he'll get me something that he realizes I want instead of just getting me one thing off of the 5 item long Christmas list. I mean, he also got me maybe 4 $20 a piece juggling clubs but I asked for those last year. And he promised me on multiple occasions this year that he would go and buy them. Sorry, I know I sound like a selfish asshole who's complaining cause they got the wrong color of boots but no, I didn't get anything. I'm just tired of people assuming that since I can't say no or that I can't stand up for myself and actually tell people what I want for once that they can just walk all over me and expect that I'm ok 24/7 and that I don't mind. Like I just want someone to randomly ask me, completely randomly, if I want to talk about all the shut in my life recently. Like maybe I just want to be appreciated for once? Or thanked? Now I sound like my mom. I really don't want to be like her, luckily when I grow up, I'll just keep on giving people shit and surpresding my feelings till I just don't recognize the will to live anymore instead of barging into the house 20 minutes late, asking for someone's seat when they're done, not getting the seat because the person isn't done, and then proceeding to scream at the whole family that since the divorce everyone hates you and they all want to be with Tim. You know it's hard when you're trying to stay clean but the only thing going theouh your head is how much you want to cut.
Hello everyone this is Noah. You may know me as zoe's brother. how you guys doin its been a while. so what up striet. Noah out. Peace.
I let my brother write something on this. Why did I do it? No idea. Huh, I should write more. I got a great joke. Here goes: My blog is somewhat....scarring. Ah that's a good one. |
AuthorHey y'all, this is really emo. It's also really old. I'm in high school now, so if you're reading this, please stop, as it's very cringy. I'm 14 now, by the way. Archives
September 2018
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