Why is it that the nights that I'm hurting the most there's no one there for me? I'm always helping you and you never seem to realize that I have to have gotten my listening skills and advice from somewhere. I just wish that you could realize that I need help too. I'm fucking cutting for gods sake. I missed you by 10 minutes because I spent an extra 20 on the shower washing away the blood. I'm not able to help myself. I'm only the victim of my own mind. The mind that tells me that it's not deep enough if out of it comes only a drop of blood. The mind that tells me that 2 isn't enough and to add 13 more. The mind that tells me to keep things from you until the blood starts to come from the inside too. Tonight was one of those nights. You all went to sleep and I was left to my mind. It's not pretty.
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The text I wanted to send: Totally fucking sure. No kate I'm really hurting tonight but I'll be fine and get through it alone. I've gotten used to it by now anyway. The text I sent: Sure. The test I wanted to send: Yeah well that doesn't exactly mean much to me, I'm going to go wash and bandage some cuts. The text I sent: wow kate you noticed. The text I wanted to send: Yes please stay up with me I need your support I'm only going to end up pouring rubbling alcohol on my cuts if you don't The text I sent: No you really need to go to sleep. But you stayed up for me. Made sure I was safe, loved, happy. Thank you. With time those scars will heal and so when the fuck did I get so sappy? Ok yeah thanks Kate for not letting me be a victim to my own mind. I just almost ran into a poll so I'm going to go.... bye mothafuckers. Ok I lied. I might put some poetry on this later but right now I'm just really tired. Fine I'll put some of poetry up now. Even though nobody gives a shit about me, or my poetry. Sorry Streit for the swearing. Just in general. I might put 2 poems on this.
Wait, why do I continue to write new entries. This is just gonna make me stay up later and later. I learned that my blog posts are pretty long from the comparison to a page straight out of my journal. I'm going to put some of my poetry on this. How about I make this entry like 4 more lines longer and then I'll add some more of my poetry. Ok so we still have 3 lines now. It looks like a lot to me. Maybe because I'm just thinking about it to much. Now I'm thinking about a Series of Unfortunate Events. And now Miss Peregrine's home for peculiar children. And there was one more book I was thinking about.... Aha! It was the mysterious benedict society. Ooooo I'm so excited about the juggling thing tomorrow, although I'm a bit worried that people will complain that I got to bring 2 friends. Ooo, 4 lines longer it is. Poetry time!
Yeah so I was just looking at the example blogs on Mr. Streit's page and I learned that my entries are substantially longer than those of others. It's sad really, because of this I have to journal about 5x more than other people. I wonder how many blog entries they wrote though. That would take to long to count. So I'm typing from a computer right now and my typing is not as fast because it's on a keyboard. Like, even this entry so far has taken sooo long to write and usually I would be about three times farther than I already am. Do you ever find it weird that almost all of my journal entries are usually just me writing about how much journaling I have to do. The movie Elf is somewhat funny. I keep on mistyping things and then realizing that I don't have auto correct on the computer. I gotta sleep, bye. Ok I'm not asleep. Why don't I just make a new post and be logical and actually write normal amounts of writing....NAW! Ok I really need to do something other than continue this post. So bye for now.
Oh frick. Frick frick frick frick frick frick. Nooooooo. I have to write a lot of journal entires by Jan. 19. I literally have a month and a day to do this. I have to write like....wait it's like 11:42, I can't fucking do math right now. I think I have to do 35 total sooo....if I have 12 done already then I just have to do 23 more. Oh shit that's a lot. That's like a journal entry every day almost. I need to step up my game. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. Fuck. I have so much more of this to do. The most agrivating thing is that I usually write really long entries so I'm always just overworking these. They could literally each be a full page. Do I need to add more to this entry? I'm not really sure but by my standards yes. My standards are high though.... Well, it's just that I don't know the exact requirement because it's just goddamn confusing. We were painting at youth group tonight and I made a Christmas tree. It's had nooses and knives and pale pink roses and hearts getting impaled with unicorn horns. It also had a Santa hat at the top of the tree and it had the grim reaper in santas sleigh. It was beautiful. I really don't know what I'm going to do with it though. Wow my typing is just getting faster and faster. Like, really fast. This is cool. I can just keep on typing as words come into my mind. Now I'm thinking about the journal entry I helped Squidney write. It was about an old Italian mad who makes pizzas and his name is dean winchester. It was very confusing. I think this meets my standards. Not my standards but my inaccurate guess. Wow my sisters birthday is in a few days. I've literally gotten her nothing. I bet my brothers just gonna give her 20 bucks or some shit like that. Hmmmm....it seems that this entry meets my standards.
Wow this is dark...At the start I justwant to say that I wasn't annoyed with Kate I was just trying to journal at the moment and couldnt focus when she continued to talk to me. It was not meant to be offensive in any way.
Why does Kate keep on talking to me? She keeps on talking on and on and on. Ugh. This is so much writing now. I have a full 15 pages to write now. But yet again I have no idea when the Q2 journal is due. It sucks because I have some math homework and I havent even started it. I have juggling and trick-or-treating tonight. I'll have basically no time to write this but to do my math homework. Bye for now.------Uggh. Those dimwits wont shut up now that Mr. Streit's left the room. Wow. He's going to come back and they'll all be talking. Why? He came back and they all shut up immeadiately. Well I guess he has pretty stiff control of the room. I'm going to go read again.-------Fuck the election. I hate Trump. I literally chose the worst day to come out. Yep, that's the thing. I'm pansexual. I was talking to a person las night and they came out to me as bisexual. I'm really worried about Pence/Conversion therapy. Lots of SAGA kids are already depressed. This will only raise suicide and depression rates. I am really scared right now. Suicide rates are predicted to become the #1 cause of death by 2030. That statistic is without conversion therapy. Pence supports it. He will make it happen. In a conversion therapy place they teach you to hate yourself. That you are worthless, that suicide would be better because at least you wouldnt be gay. They teach you to reject yourself and who you are will take you to hell and that nobody likes you. Then they teach you to be straight. How to act, how to look, what to do, what not to do, what it "gay", what is "straight". It's purely evil and while in conversion therapy, you become depressed, many commit suicide and if they dont, they will have attempted at some point. This will not only raise depression and suicide rates but show america that it's not ok to be yourself, that you are a reject and that you are unacceptable. I don't want to be like that but I already am. I even cut for fucks sake. I'm not okay. I probably wont be for awhile. My sanity, friends, self-confidence, moral code, everyone and everything that I am a part of will not be ok if this happens. I'm sorry this is really content heavy and probably pretty pathetic. Because that's just what I am. I have these two scratches in my arm that I think I put there. Ameya asked me what they were from. I said I don't know. Dude I gotta do a lot more blogging. Like, a lot. What sucks is that we're supposed to be doing them one a day and I'm not but my blog entries are usually really long. How long are these supposed to be? I wonder if I could copy and paste my blog entries into a word document or something to check the word count, that would be cool cause maybe then I wouldn't have to blog as much. It's just so much easier for me if I'm physically writing things down with pen and paper. Some paeoe got moved today. I wish I could have just gotten a new journal cause this is just gonna make me fall behind. Maybe I should copy down the three pages of journal entries that I did at the start of the quarter into my blog. I count then judge how long my entries are supposed to be based on how long my pages are. What's even worse is that I know that I can easily do a page per period so this could be equal to a page of journaling I would just have to do this wayyyyy more. What does he expect from me? This is just goddamn annoying at this point. I'm going to go edit my blog site.
Im supposed to have about 10 pages in my journal, except I'm doing this blog and I don't go by pages. I should count words and/or sentences some time. We're really falling behind on this book group thing. I need to find a book at least, I already have a group. I need to read more. A lot more. I also need to do my social studies and math homework but I still didn't do it. I wish that I could have edited mine already cause I don't want to have to do peer editing. Reece is going somewhere so he's turning his in today and he gets to go out in the hall and journal. I just want a study hall time where I can just work on my homework and not get distracted. I wish that I could do that. History day is a lot and I'm starting to think that Ms. Krawetz has literally no idea what she's doing. No idea. She was showing us how to take notes in general yesterday for some reason and she started by telling us some honest but truly self evident and obvious things about note taking and then she just went off topic into history day. I'd like to say I like her as my teacher for social studies but I really don't. I love the class/subject social studies but I hate the way she teaches it. It's like we have no firm focus and everything is either off topic or repeated multiple times. She's telling us that she's organized and that she never loses papers every single day. It's just repetive and annoying at this point. I don't even know why she feels the need to tell us this all the time cause half the time it's her that lost a paper or her that made a problem for us. Sorry that's just a little rant about Ms. Krawetz. Remember, these are my thoughts and opinions. So you don't have to get all mad at what I'm saying. I need my journal as a place to write my thoughts and feelings. Maybe some day I might edit all of these entries so that they can be published. That would be cool. Georgia added herself to the group chat over Gracia's phone and I really don't feel comfortable with it. I'm just annoyed cause now only her can leave the conversation herself. Bye.
I'm sort of recovering from my episode of self hate last night. It was hard to get over and I'm not completely sure that I want to get over it. I still feel that I'm a disgusting and horrible person and that if I ever were to be forced to submit to someone I would just about die. I'm in language arts class right now doing this so I can't be to specific about what I'm saying. I don't really want to have people reading over my shoulder. I wonder how much journaling I can get done in this class period. I've done it where I have gotten up to a page and a half done in one class period. Well, not one class period but the 15 minutes at the start. I wonder what we're going to do in class today. Did I tell you about the poem that was never written by Olivia? It's called it. I just looked at the board, it says we're going to revise our essays today. I can't believe that it's only 2:05. We have yet another 2 hours 5 minutes of school left. I just want to go to girls who code already. Minus the walking home part, I don't want to do that. I'm really looking forward to the food tonight. Journaling time is done.
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AuthorHey y'all, this is really emo. It's also really old. I'm in high school now, so if you're reading this, please stop, as it's very cringy. I'm 14 now, by the way. Archives
September 2018
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