Helloooo. I'm doing goooood today. Why do I have to write so many entries. Like soooo many. I just could maybe do a journal instead and write a bunch of pages really quickly. I lost my poetry journal and it's making me sad. I really miss it. It's my favorite thing. I'm gonna ask my dad to look for it again. I might not be able to find it though. Streit is weird man. He's bald, he does poetry stuff, likes to make children cry, dislikes Grey. Like what is up with him. It's like he's one of a kind but in a bad way. I should really write more often. Is this enough words yet? Maybeeeee. I hope so cause I'm sorta getting bored. Maybe I'll start writing random s**t. I have like 131 words so far so I might just like add a few more and them go into the next entry. I think I'll do my blog entries when I do the one second a day thingy from now on, so I can remember to do both of them. I wonder if there's a constellation that looks like cheese. I could make one. That would be awesome. I burp a lot. I'm not wearing a sweatshirt. I can help do things if the things are weird. Easy is fun. Fun is weird man. Ok I think I'm done with this one.... at least for now.....
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Never get anything because hey, just like in juggling you're either the person who's good at throwing tricks or the person that's good at catching them, people don't think about how you need to practice both sides. I just wish that someone gave a s**t about me, you know maybe thought about me, without being reminded, without reason. Just you know gave, without a holiday, without anything happening that we need to celebrate. But I'm glad that my moms that way. It seems that we're only reminded to thank people when a someone tells us about it, when we get a reminder on our phones that it's their birthday, when something happens in their life and they gather up the courage to talk about it. You know, when they're hurting, and the friends you have don't seem to realize that they're crying and hurting and wishing someone cared enough to realize that no, they're not ok, and all you see is happiness. Because that friend only ever showed you the bright side of things, because that friend wipes away your tears when you cry, because that friend is always by your side and your teachers say 'If you're talking you must be done with your work', 'If you're helping others than you must be happy'. No, they help others cause they never want them to feel the same sadness that they feel. They feel selfish when they want something back, because the only thing they are in their mind is the forgotten one that is remembered on occasion, when something happens, and they start to cry. And then they're not the happy and loving person you always see anymore. You get scared for them because you still forget all the time and when you're reminded it hurts. It hurts like hell cause you know how much hell they've crossed and how much s**t they've gone through and you feel like the worst person in the world but you know what, they'll never think that you are, because they can't see what hurts them until it's too late.
Hey, today has been sorta ok so far. My mom gave me ear buds and a nice card so that made me happy and it's nice. School has been ok ad for Squidney though cause Corrine gave the rest of her friends a huge gift each and a bunch of cool shit and she gave Squidney 3 little felt hearts out of her bag. Like she didn't even think about her and I feel really bad cause I didn't give anything to Squidney and I know how it feels to gift and never get.
I went to a juggling festival and it was so much fun. I got new props and I got to admire all of the beautiful props everywhere. Some people had px4's and they had brilliant color choices and the handles and body were really complimenting and just awesome. I got to see the show as always(this is my fifth mondo) and I got to do the club balance contest but I got out around a minute and a half. We had to do tricks and I can't remember which one I lost on. I think it was the turning in circles which honestly doesn't sound that hard but it was. I don't know the name of the person who won in the end but he was realllllyyyy good. I want to get to his level and it only inspires me to work on club balamce more cause it showed me that there's more to do with club balance than simply balancing a club on your face. I'll write more blog posts about mondo probably in the future but anywaysss it was super fun and an amazing experience as always. I also learned how to make balloon animals which was awesome. I also got to draw a giant multi-color tree on my leg which took soooooo long, about an hour probably.
Oh my I'm so sorry I haven't been able to get to my blog in a few days. I haven't been that busy with homework this time I've just been with people and stuff and I've been lazy in short. I am 8 days clean from self harm and I'm going to try to keep that record. Well, keep growing that record. It feels good to wake up the next morning with nothing new on your arms or legs, even though you felt like shit last night, and most likely still feel like shit. My sleep meds haven't really been working though. I'm supposed to take them at 9:00 PM and be asleep from them by 9:30, but everyone keeps me awake and then I can't go to sleep for another hour because my back hurts so much. I got to sleep at 1:00 last night and I would've been asleep at 11:00 but my sister came home and needed me to talk to her for an hour or so.
Hi sorry I couldn't get to a blog entry in the past few days I've been really busy with school and homework and just everything going on but I'm back now and I'm feeling a bit better. I had a doctors appointment on Wednesday and it was pretty nerve racking cause I had to talk about self harm and suicidal thoughts. I got really anxious and everything was just really freaking me out which hasn't really happened in the past at doctors appointments. I was diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety and I don't know what to think of it really. I've been having problems with self esteeem and you know procrastination as well as what others think of me for a while anyways. Since the appointment I've been getting these moods where I might've been having a good day up until that point and then everything is just scary and I get really anxious and I feel like the world slows down and everyone can see my arms.
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AuthorHey y'all, this is really emo. It's also really old. I'm in high school now, so if you're reading this, please stop, as it's very cringy. I'm 14 now, by the way. Archives
September 2018
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